TMI on Facebook......

So, someone I know truthfully not that well just posted about being 6 weeks pregnant on Facebook.

Made me think about before.  What is before?  Before knowing that it is more likely to miscarry at 6 weeks than it is to carry to full term.  My first pregnancy we miscarried within 1 week.  I have to say that before was bliss though. 

The pregnancy with the twins I worried all the time that we would lose them just like before. 

My third pregnancy, I had hope in the back of my mind that this wouldn't be like before.  But here we are, just like before. 

I certainly hope for this person that she never has a before, and just goes through her pregnancy blissfully unaware.....  

I'll Be Just Fine.....

Definitely one of the hardest weeks I remember having in quite some time. 

Bill and I woke the babies up bright and early on Weds.  They were quite confused, normally they wake us up.  We did bottles, put their jackets and hats on over their jammies and headed over to Grandma's. 

It was good to see my Mom on the way to the hospital.  I couldn't look at her for too long, or I would break into the ugly cry.  Way to early in the day for that....

We continued our journey to the hospital, and were all checked in by 6:30 am. 

It wasn't long until we they brought us back to our room.  Thankfully, I only had to answer this question only one more time.  "Why are you having a D&C?".   This actually had been asked quite a lot over the last week.  As well as ""Any chance you are pregnant?"   What a loaded question that one was. 

The Chaplain for the hospital came and talked to us as we were preparing for surgery.  I really wasn't prepared for this.  Very nice woman.  She told us about the grief services they have at the hospital, a yearly memorial, and a yearly walk.  She prayed with us.  I cried during the prayer, and somehow I could feel the baby was with me and that prayer comforted him as well. 

The Anesthesiologist came and explained how he preferred General Anesthesia for this operation.  I told him that was exactly what I wanted to hear.  I wanted to be able to just go to sleep and when I woke up, it would be over.  I also explained to him that I am a big fan of blood products if they are needed.  So strange, to me that you would die instead of having a blood transfusion but I guess with some religions you do.  One good thing about being Catholic, I suppose. 

My Dr came in and talked to me and then it was time to go.  I waved goodbye to my husband, I wished there was a way I could sneak him into the operating room with me just long enough for me to fall asleep anyway. 

They wheeled me into the room, I wonder why operating rooms are always so big?  They put the mask over my face, and told me to think of somewhere else fabulous that I would rather be.  I liked that.  I pictured Bill and I and our babies on the beach.  I have never been to the beach.... Three deep breaths and I was asleep.

Next thing I remember I was waking up.  As soon as I woke up, I started to cry.  It shook me, I didn't expect to do that, but I did.  I was crying so hard, the Nurse had to make sure that I wasn't crying because of the physical pain.  The physical pain definitely was not the problem. 

It took a few minutes for me to pull myself together, but eventually I did.  Within an hour, they let me husband come back to see me.  As soon as he came, of course the tears started again.  Again, it took a few minutes to pull myself back together, but eventually I did.

We were able to go home within an hour of so.  I was so glad to get back home into my own bed.  I am sad that yet another baby was just not meant to be. 

I knew in my heart when I saw the positive pregnancy test that this probably would happen.  I kept telling myself that I would be prepared, that it wouldn't hurt as much as the last time.  The truth is, it still breaks my heart.   It just does. 

I am lucky and I know it.  I have two amazing babies, they are healthy, they are happy, and they are hilarious.  I will put my focus exactly where it should be being THANKFUL for all of the gifts in my life. 

Sad Day

It has been almost a week and my miscarriage has not started.

We are checking into the hospital first thing tomorrow morning.  So sad to me that the last time that we did this we came home with 2 little babies and tomorrow we will come home empty handed. 

I am determined to keep my focus on moving forward and our sweet Zachy and Zoe who are such miracles in our lives. 

I know somehow God will give me the strength that I need to get through this day. 

Could This Be Happening to Us Again?

A few weeks ago, I was late and decided to take a pregnancy test just for the hell of it.  I even told Bill at the time, I am taking this test but I am sure it will come up negative. 

Well, guess what it was positive!

We were shocked, excited, scared, nervous the whole gamut of emotions.  Were we going to be one of those couples?  You know them, when you go through IVF people tell you about them all the time.  See when the pressure is off you just get pregnant.  Yeah, right, but that is what they all say. 

We decided to try and keep this very low key just in case it all went badly.  I kept telling myself that if I didn't get too excited, and kept the very real possibility of miscarriage on my mind it would be alright. 

I was anxious and nervous all afternoon leading up to my Dr appointment.  When our Dr. came in she was just about as excited as we were, that I was sitting in her office pregnant again at 43. 

We had to go for our ultrasound and then come back to talk with her. It was our same Ultrasound tech that we saw so often when we were expecting the twins.  I could tell by her face right away that something was not okay. 

There was no heartbeat, no blood flow to the baby, it stopped growing probably about two weeks ago. 

I am going to wait a week to see if I naturally miscarry again, if not I will have a D&C next week. 

I told myself in my very Type A way, if I planned for this it wouldn't hurt as much. 

Heartbroken, I am heartbroken. 

I am never doing this again.......

Happy Halloween

Last year the babies were too tiny to do anything than try to prop them up in a chair for a photo op.

This year, everything has changed.  These babies are getting too stinking big, and cute for that matter.  Had a wonderful evening with my little dinosaurs trick or treating and showing off to Grandma and Grandpa.  Jurassic Park over here in the hood!

I did notice that we didn't have as many trick or treaters are we usually do. The Jessica Ridgeway case is still so fresh in all of our minds.  So sad that there are such evil souls in the world that we need to protect our babies from. 

Hope you all had a wonderful and very spooky Halloween! 

Are Twins as Hard as Everyone Says They Are?

It feels like forever since I sat down to write.  Well, probably because it has been.


Life with these babies is an adventure.  I had a woman stop me recently to ask "Are twins as hard as everyone says they are?" She was a very sweet woman and the question was coming from the heart as she had also struggled with infertility. 

However......  Who exactly are these people, saying these things?  For me, twins are not hard. 

• Maybe I refuse to frame out life from a negative place, but they are not hard. 

• Maybe the fact that I never knew just one baby, but they are not hard. 

• Maybe the fact that I know the pain of miscarriage, but they are not hard. 

Maybe the fact that these two amazing people that I have been entrusted with bring more joy and happiness into my life than I ever could have imagined.  They Are Not Hard.

I won't say that we don't have our challenges, of course we do.  Our little girl is developing as the rate that is expected for her age.  Truthfully, she is probably smarter than I am already, but I will worry about that on another day. 

Our little boy is a different story.  My husband had been worried for quite some time that he wasn't developing the same as his sister.  I wasn't worried.  I don't want to compare them, they are different people, who will do things in their own way and in their own time.  However, when we switched Dr's a few months back, I became aware that he was delayed. 

I won't lie, for a few weeks I did feel a little guilty that I hadn't caught on to the fact that he was not progressing as he should be.  I am learning not to hold myself to these ridiculously high standards.  We do the best we can, and that is all we can do. 

We took our little boy in for testing at the end of the summer and he was diagnosed as 50% delayed in both motor and speech.  That was hard to hear, because he is perfect to me.  We were very happy to find that he does qualify for state sponsored in home physical and speech therapy, which was definitely the silver lining.  He did win the hearts of all the ladies at the testing office with his huge toothy grin, and we were not surprised to learn that socially he is right on task.

So while, everything is not perfect I remain steadfast in my opinion the these babies, they just are not hard.  Period. 

Has It Really Been 4 Months?

Was it really the beginning of Summer the last time that I blogged and now it is Fall?

Our Zoe Anne is a pistol, a 38 caliber loaded pistol to be exact.  I promise to give a full update later today, for now this video says it all!